Back to the Beginning

My last post was written during a very frustrated moment, and while some of what I said may be true, I don’t truly believe it all.  I’m actually very much a romantic and an idealist. I tend to be easy going and carefree. I wish for peace, love and happiness for everyone. I pray that someday the world will be a fair and just place. The problem is that the contradiction between the things that I believe in and the things that are, really gets me down sometimes.  Let it be known; however, there are things in life that I care about –a lot. I believe true love is out there and that happiness can be conceived- not to say that it doesn’t take some work to find or accomplish these things, and not that there won’t be some price to pay for having them, but if true love and happiness is the reward, then whatever the price, it really is worth paying.

Now, before I move on, let me catch you up on how I got from “Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life” to “The search for life in my life is a pointless quest...” It’s kind-of a long story, so I’ll do my best to make it brief without leaving out any pertinent details.  It was, however, over a year and a half time span, so it may take a few posts...

On October 17, 2010 I was still in the throes of love and a relationship that after much time had finally been taken to the next level. I was writing poetry and reading books and enjoying having previous mundane responsibilities lifted from me. It was a working mother’s dream...I felt like I was at a point in my life where I could start over and figure out exactly what I was meant to do and take the time to make the life that I wanted. The problem was, I didn’t know what that was, and so I began the search that inspired the beginning of this blog. I thought it would be nice to record and share my journey, but my journey soon became chaotic, stressful, depressing and confusing and my urge to share completely diminished.

In the beginning of November of that year I fell in a grocery store with glass bottles in my hands and was cut up pretty badly. My right hand was lacerated in several places, and the nerves in my thumb severed.  I had surgery to repair the damage, but was in a lot of pain and discomfort for about 5 months.

After my hand was mostly healed and I was feeling a little more like myself again, I got into a network marketing business(that I’ll discuss in more detail later), which I actually enjoyed very much, even though networking is not my strongest suit. I was learning new things and meeting some wonderful people, and it got me out of the house. I also attempted to pursue my writing of poetry.  I entered some contests and spent a lot of time on writing websites trying to get rid of my rustiness. I also tried to get back into graphic design, studying textbooks and online how-to’s and working on self-invented projects that had little or no purpose.  

None of these things were able to hold my interest; however, because my relationship was crumbling around me. My scholarly, entrepreneurial boyfriend was more interested in reading and entrepreneur-ing than he was in me. Being the romantic girl that I am, and having only worked at a traditional job in the past, it was very difficult to stay focused and self-motivated.  All I wanted to do was work out our differences and make everything bright and shiny again.  This became a huge conflict and I became more and more depressed and the search for life in my life began to feel very futile...